From Your Child

Oh Mother, My Mother

I touch your tears

Invisible fingers

Soothing your skin

I know you think of me often

In the day, in the night

In your dreams

Going into a empty nursery

Knowing I'll never be there

But I am... In your heart

In your soul, I shall always be

For you gave so unselfishly

Of yourself

Inside of you, you created

Such a world for me

A world of laughter, of love

Of sadness, of sorrow

Every emotion people come to know

You shared with me.

And even though I may never

Feel your arms around me.

I felt your heart beating

Like a lullaby, singing me to sleep

And your spirit giving me a safe haven

Already protecting me

Nurturing me

Preparing me for things to come

But sometimes the Journey

Of life pulls souls apart

And Yes, I had to go on

To another place

I wish I could stay

I wish this was a decision

I could make

And I know you do to

Know this... Wherever you are....

I will always remember

That yours was the first love

The first joy, the first soul

I will ever know

You gave me the courage to

go on in my journey

I hope I can do the same for you

Your heart beat will always

Call me to you

Love, Your Child.....

20 Things Parents of Angels Wish People Would Do/Say

1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn't mean he doesn't deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn't think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning him. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you. Crying and emotional outbursts help me heal.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven't forgotten him and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn't think that I don't want to talk about my baby. The truth is that I love my baby and need to talk about him.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby has died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn't think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes, there are bad memories too but please understand that it's not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn't pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside of me.

8. I wish you wouldn't judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn't think if I have a good day I'm "over it" or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no "normal" way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn't mean I'm contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it's my fault.

11. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be "over and done with" in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is that it may get easier with time but I will never be "over this".

12. I wish you wouldn't think that my baby wasn't a real baby and it was blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby was a human life. He had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and face. I have seen my baby's body and face. My baby was a real person.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby died and the day my baby was delivered are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to "normal" you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs and values. Please try to get to know the real me --- maybe you'll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn't tell me to have another baby. The truth is that I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace her. Babies aren't interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it's not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you do.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that you'll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me.

19. I wish you wouldn't say that it's nature's way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect to me no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand that what you are really saying when you say "next time things will be okay". The truth is how do you know? What will you say it it happens to me again?

Something Wonderful Happened to Me!!!

Thursday, Chris had an outpatient procedure done to numb a nerve in his back and had to be put under general anesthesia.

When I brought him home, I put him in the bed and he fell straight to sleep. I decided to clean up since I was having a rummage sale on Saturday. I was getting a little sleepy, so I decided that I would take a nap. I can't remember the last time I took a nap. At night, I always have to watch TV to fall asleep, but when I take naps, I don't watch anything.

The moment I put my head on the pillow, I started hearing noises that I have never heard before. It sounded as if the TV was on a talk show channel. I thought for sure Chris woke up and was watching something on his Ipad or turned on the TV. I looked over, and he was sound asleep.

I laid my head back down and continued to hear laughter, clapping and muffled voices. I sat up again, a little freaked out. Now, I have sleeping problems, and if I am trying to take a nap, it takes me at least 20-30 minutes for me to even fall asleep, so I was very conscience, and had JUST laid down. After a few minutes of more muffled noises, all of a sudden I heard a little girl's voice say, "I'm sleepy." It was clear as day. I sat straight up again with chills all over me. I can't explain it, but I KNOW it was Hudson. I would be willing to bet my life on it. She sounded like she was around 2 years old (the age Hudson would have been). I was ecstatic!

I decided to lie back down with my eyes open this time, and I immediately heard her ask, "How's my Daddy?" I never saw her; I just heard her. Then, I never heard anything else. All of the noises disappeared. I never got to nap because I was overwhelmed with happiness. I wasn't on any kind of mind-altering drugs or sick.

I sometimes feel her presence and feel like she sends me signs, but I never experienced something so strong and so incredibly real. I have had dreams about her several times. It seems that I was tapped in to some sort of paranormal activity whenever I heard the clapping, laughter, etc.

My mother really does have a sixth sense. She has encountered several spirits in her lifetime, and my mother wouldn't lie. She is one of the most honest people I have ever known. Knowing that, I have begged Hudson to show herself to me for two years now, which has never happened, but that day I heard her voice, I thought that maybe I do have some sort of a sixth sense. I hope that it happens again because it was one of the best feelings I have ever experienced.

I told my mother about this, and she thinks that mine and Hudson's love is so strong that she is always showing me signs to let me know that she is always around, and on that particular day, she wanted me to hear her.

Chris has felt her presence on many occasions also. He feels like she is always laughing at him for being so silly. :)

Mother's Day/Hudson's Birthday

I Quit

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot physically continue with the Project 365 Project. :( I didn't even last two full months.

I will continue to blog sporadically and post pics, but there's no way I have the time to take a picture every day and then upload it every day.

Since the beginning of February, the least amount of clients that I have had in one day is four; the most being EIGHT! That is equivalent to a 4-8 hour workout 5 days a week! My arms and legs are definitely starting to tone!! :) I barely even get on my computer anymore unless I am using my Ipad. Hell, I couldn't tell you the last time I actually checked my e-mail. When I get home, all I feel like doing is hanging out with Chris, eating, watching a movie and then going to bed.

I am so lucky to have found the job that I did. I absolutely love it, and I am starting to get my own regular clients! The money is far more than I ever expected, and we are actually able to put a substantial amount of my check into savings! Free manicures, pedicures, hair cut/color, facials, spray tan and waxing is also a huge perk!! I am so glad that I don't sit in front of a computer anymore like I did when I was a medical transcriptionist. I realize what a boring, underpaying and isolating job that was.

February 17, 2011

The spa got their new Aveda spring collection colors in this week, so I decided I wanted to get purple highlights!

February 16, 2011

Chris and I went to eat at Dickey's BBQ, and afterwards we went to Petco to get Xander some new food. I just decided to take a pic of this little chinchilla.